Today Is a New Day… Or Not?

A letter explaining my Anxiety to the world.



My dear friend,

Today is a new day, and I’m doing absolutely fine. I woke up with a bright smile on my face, ready and very excited for my presentation today because, well, I always nail it; however, there was something that didn’t feel right.

I didn’t feel fine, like there was some sort of pain, but I was unable to identify it. There was just something wrong, of course, I totally ignored it because it was nothing. I went to the library to work on my assignments that were due in two days. unfortunately, when I went inside, I felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. I mean, there were too many people sitting and there was no enough air inside, so I got out quickly, and I started breathing heavily. It was so hard to breathe, but I ignored it like I always do. I started revising the main points of my presentation and made sure that it was ready.

Everything was going really well, yet I felt that something bad was going to happen, not in general, but to me. I felt like I was having a panic attack. I know that because I have already had many before, only this one was quite different.

I couldn’t attend my lectures because I couldn’t breathe in the rooms. It felt like the room was closing on me, and it was just… too much talking! It was making me dizzy. I excused myself and went out for some air. Eventually, I felt better, and shortly, it was time for my presentation.

The moment I stood in front of everybody, ready to present my topic, the light coming from the projector suddenly became everywhere. I was seeing only light, and my legs were failing me. I couldn’t feel them, and then breathing became impossible. The first thing that came to my mind was “I’m dying” and the only to survive was to run outside;this is what I did. I ran even when I couldn’t walk, but I was so scared. I reached the nearest window and cried like I never did before. My whole body was shaking also I just kept praying in my mind to survive this as I struggled to breathe again. After forty minutes, I was finally okay. I took me so long to calm my mind.

Later, I figured out that the reason of this panic attack was because of stressing over every little thing including my assignments.

You never really become aware of your anxiety until a panic attack hits you. Then, you start to notice how you preferred not to pick up the phone because maybe you’re going to hear some bad news, or when you decided to bail on your friends, turning of your phone without even giving them an excuse because you’re scared to meet new people and scared to face your friends. You start to realize that you only enjoy your own company because what if people made fun of you? What if you seemed stupid when you were talking about a movie you like? What if you make a fool of yourself?

Your head fill itself with “what if” questions, and you shortly find yourself drowning in fear because what if you never get better? This is just a very small part of my anxiety.

Being anxious is normal; we all get anxious from time to time, but when it gets extreme, you find yourself drowning in your own fears. However, anxiety is just filled with lies that our brain make up as a get away from responsibilities, and I’m not going to believe these lies anymore.

Sincerely,

Your long lost old self.