Going through life is like walking through a tunnel, you are guided by the light at the end of it which helps you in moving forward.
But what happens when the light has been dimmed by too many shadows?
A person with a scarred soul and a wounded heart is haunted by thoughts of insecurities.
Those insecurities fuel a feeling of low self worth. It had a specific association on questioning the way I looked, how smart I felt and how the number on the balance was too large. These thoughts were all sprouted from the image of perfection that was enforced by the media, school, friends or family.
It was my normal daily duty to chase it. The more I tried though, the less I thrived, and that only increased my self consciousness.
A simple “NO” can break your heart. We all aim to please, however trying as we may, there is no way we can please everyone.
So we are faced with rejection as a consequence. I was rejected and looked upon with judging glares for all sorts of reasons; for my thoughts, my weight and my physical appearance as a whole.
It is the planted seed which came to blossom into the deleterious feelings of loneliness and depression. Words cut through the heart and scar the soul, much worse than a knife penetrate the skin and scares the body. It was never physical torture that managed to lower my self confidence and sport more forms of insecurities, only verbal insults succeeded in doing that.
It went as far as strangers yelling at me to go kill myself. I almost succumbed to their wishes once or twice. I found myself falling victim to the alluring blade of the knife salving the much needed physical pain that masks the emotional one temporarily.
As I fell into the dark pits of depression, I was surrounded by shadows that kept screaming with devastating words. I hadn’t stopped at self harm. I had also taken actions that increased the feeling of loneliness by distancing myself from those who cared for me, by constantly fighting with my parents sporting nothing but more damaging thoughts. It became dreadful as my parents discovered the kind of torture I was succumbed to. Their confused and angry looks were soon replaced with pitiful ones and those were even worse than any other kind of torture that I came to bear.
Loneliness was my only companion, hiding away in my room. I embraced my newly found fear of people by quitting basketball practice; a sport that I used to love, also taking many days of ‘leave of absence’ from school by pretending to be ill. Whenever I went and had any classes that involved any kind of interaction with my classmates, I found my sanctuary in the bathroom, forced to count the tiles in order to pass time. I had never enjoyed solitude. It was only because I have tried to belong somewhere into the world and met with sheer disappointment that I had found a solace in the thought that; “to be on my own, no one can hurt me”. I had lived in a terrible irony. It was the time of great Loneliness that I most needed to be alone.
The invisible force that has the power to freeze you whenever you feel it approaching. I have known it for a long time. I dreaded meeting people, finding comfort in shying away from people’s judgemental eyes. It was portrayed in my posture as I walked clutching at my bag for dear life, my head always parallel to the ground. I hid my fear of disappointing others behind a crooked smile that I came to master.
Oscar Wilde once said “expectation is the root of all heartache”. He was right. I have been too optimistic and hopeful too many times than I care to count. So, when I was faced with rejection after great expectations, I became ill with pessimism.
I started to believe that no matter how hard I try, there won’t be a way to achieve anything.
Those were the seven things that held me backward, all emerged eventually from self-hate and the fear of rejection that was implanted by others.